


Take a sad song (And make it better)

by bookish_changeling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abduction, Aftermath of Violence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kidnapping, No Smut, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:49:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25649830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookish_changeling/pseuds/bookish_changeling
Summary: Castiel Novak was twenty when he lost his best friend. After five years of searching with no results, he was almost ready to give up.But a call in the middle of the night changes everything.His best friend is alive, and waiting.The joy is tempered by grief when he learns that Dean is mute, and nearly catatonic, unresponsive to anyone who tries to talk to him.With no idea what happened, or how to help, recovery may not be easy, but he plans to be there every step of the way.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Comments: 21
Kudos: 58





	1. All that's left is the ghost of you

Description of missing person:

“His name is Dean Michael Winchester,” a red-eyed teenage boy responded. “My name is Sam. Dean’s my older brother. He was born on January 24, 1979. He was born in Lawrence Kansas-”

“He’s five foot eleven, weighs one sixty-nine,” Bobby Singer said quietly. “Dark blonde hair, keeps it cut short.”

“Green eyes,” Castiel Novak stared at the tabletop blankly. “A scar on the right side of his face,” he gestured to a spot on his temple, right below the hairline. “A really small one that he got from falling off the bed when we were eleven.”

Habits and Personality of missing person:

“No, he doesn’t smoke,” Castiel shook his head numbly. “No drinking. No drugs. He- he was- no. No drugs of any kind. He didn’t drink, or anything. Told me he’d never risk driving his Baby like that.”

“He usually goes to the Roadhouse for coffee in the mornings.” Bobby took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “The Harvelles are old friends.”

“He’s pretty outgoing,” Sam gave a huff of laughter, chin trembling. “We always said he could talk a bee out of its honey. He’s loud. I mean, he has this- this bright personality, you know what I mean?”

He pulled into the station at exactly nine fifteen.

Each breath came hard and fast.

Castiel rested his head on the steering wheel, eyes closing to stop the flood of tears that was bound to fall.

The call had come two hours ago, when he was still in bed, and he had answered with a groggy “Novak here.”

“Castiel Novak?”

“Yes. Who-?”

“This is Jody Mills, Sioux Falls PD. We can’t reach Bobby Singer, and you’re listed as the emergency contact for Dean Winchester?”

Panic tightened his throat, and for a moment he couldn’t answer.

“Sir?”

“Yes- Yes, what- Why are you calling?”

“He’s alive. We found him.”

He was struck breathless again, but Jody didn’t seem to notice that.

“Sir, can you make it down here?”

“Yes, I-” he coughed, scrambling for a notepad. “Yes, can you- I need-”

“My name is Jody Mills,” she reminded him. “Sioux Falls PD. We’re taking Dean to the nearest hospital to get him checked out, but my number is 605-983-2501. You can call me when you get in town, so I can tell you if we’re still here.”

“Okay, okay- I don’t think I’ll be driving that long, so should I- should I go to the hospital or the station?”

“The station. Call me from there, and I’ll update you.” 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Thank you.”

Now, he held his phone in trembling hands, staring at the number.

This was it.

After five years, he was about to see Dean again.

God, he was nervous.

Scared, really.

With a deep breath, he tapped the screen, and held it to his ear.

She picked up on the first ring, as if she’d been waiting for his call. “Hello?”

“Sheriff Mills? This is Castiel Novak.”

“Are you in town?”

“Yes. I’m parked outside the police department. What’s going on now?”

“Physically, he’s mostly uninjured, but severely dehydrated. The doctors believe there’s psychological trauma, though, given that he won’t say a word, or respond to anything we say.”

“Is he still at the hospital?”

“Yeah. You can head up here, we’ll see if he’ll respond to you. I can meet you at the front.”

“Alright. Goodbye.”

The hospital was surprisingly small, he thought.

A squat one story building, it only took up a few blocks.

A woman waited outside the doors, leaning against the stone wall.

She straightened as he neared, holding out a hand. “Castiel Novak, I presume?”

“Yes.” He gave her a perfunctory once over. “Jody Mills?”

“Yup. Pleasure to meet you. If you’ll come this way.”

He followed, staying silent until they were inside. “I’m a little surprised,” he admitted. “I would’ve thought you’d do a background check or something.”

“I’m fifty percent sure you’re not a murderer.”

Castiel stared at her back, not sure if she was joking or not.

“That was a joke. We did a background check in the time it took for you to make the drive.””

“Oh.”

He almost slammed into her when she stopped abruptly, turning to face him. “Look, Mr Novak, there’s some things I didn’t tell you over the phone.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean he can’t talk,” she said bluntly. “We don’t know whether it’s psychological or physical. There are injuries to his throat that could be causing it, but he might just be… not talking. So you need to prepare yourself for that.”

He nodded shakily. “Okay. Okay, I just want to see him.”

“Right in here.”

He inhaled deeply, shaking his hands out to ease the trembling.

Officers flanked the doors, and he gave them a nod and a tight smile.

The door swung open, and Castiel’s breath caught.

It was Dean.

Sure, he’d known objectively that Dean was safe, but seeing it now was a different thing.

His best friend was sitting turned away from the door, blankly staring at the wall.

He didn’t flinch as the door opened, just sat there, still and silent.

Castiel took in a shaky inhale, moving a few steps closer, into Dean’s field of vision.

“Dean?”

No reaction.

“Hey.” He glanced up to where Jody was watching him, and she waved a hand to continue. “It’s me. It’s Cas. Remember?”

There.

Almost too fast to see, Dean’s brow furrowed, but almost immediately smoothed.

But it was a reaction.

“Jody?” He met her gaze. “Can I get a chair?”

Minutes later, a chair was placed, far enough that he wouldn’t be able to reach Dean, but he figured his friend would feel safer that way. “Hey,” he said again. “You’re safe here, I promise.”

Castiel looked him over, noting the IV, and the thinness of his wrists that showed from the sleeves of an ill-fitting T-shirt. Bandages wrapped around his throat. “I’m just gonna talk, okay?” He exhaled sharply. “Right. Do you remember when we were eight, and we built that tree fort? Your dad let us have his leftover boards, and we thought we were going to build the tallest castle ever? It turned out to be about two feet high, but we were so proud of that thing.”

"Then when we were- I don't know- twelve? I think? You were convinced I was going to be the next big thing with my writing. I'm actually published now, and it's not great pay, but I have a small following. Not quite the level of accomplishment we dreamed, but it's something alright."

"You always said girls would be swarming me when we were older, and I can tell you, you were dead wrong. I haven't talked to, let alone dated a girl I was interested in since high school. Y'know, other than talking to Charlie. But she doesn't count, seeing as she's batting for the other team these days, and I never had a crush on her."

He glanced up to see if he was getting through, and nearly jumped when he met Dean's eyes.

His friend was watching him. Warily, but still looking at him.

"We-" he coughed quietly, looking down at his hands. "We used to hide under your big blanket and talk about how we'd live together when we were older, and run a bakery. Even had a name picked out. Well, several names. You made each one into a pun. 'Life is what you bake it'. 'Another one bites the Crust'. 'For goodness Bakes'. 'Ryes and Shine'."

With every name he listed, he could see Jody smiling from the corner of his eye, and his own grin grew. "We could never agree on that subject."

"When we were thirteen, I was getting bullied. Alastair King, you remember him? He had me cornered in the locker room, and was about to beat the daylights out of me when you sailed in with the rest of our team, stood in front of me, and talked circles around him. Threw in a few good insults, and even had his own group laughing at him. He came at me a day later, and I punched him. Broke his nose. He left me alone after that. Never did look as good afterward."

Castiel took a deep breath, leaning back in his chair, and meeting Dean's eyes again. "Me and Sam talk often. He’s in college to be a lawyer. He's got a girlfriend now. Real spitfire. You're gonna like her. Name's Jess. Sam met her at the beginning of this year. They hit it off almost immediately. She passed Bobby's test, which is surprising, because no one has passed it before."

He folded his legs under him, pursing his lips as he thought of what to say next.

"We get together every couple of months, eat some pies, drink beer- not Sam," he added hurriedly, glancing over at Jody, who pretended to stare at the ceiling innocently. "Just me and Bobby, although I really hate the taste. I prefer water, or juice, or anything, really. But Bobby likes it, so he buys it, and offers it to me. I can't refuse it, because he'd probably feel weird being the only one drinking. I don't drive home, though. I usually stay the night."

Castiel inhaled deeply, smiling sadly at his hands. "We missed you."

He chanced a look up, smiling tiredly. “'Course me and Sam have to share a bedroom every night I'm there, which, as you'll remember, he kicks. So. Much. I honestly don't think I'd be able to sleep if I wasn't passed out."

"We all taught ourselves Morse code, remember that? We'd use it to talk during class, so the teacher couldn't hear us. You were better at it than I was, and Sam was better than both of us. But we made our own little names using it. Specific taps that were solely ours."

"Castiel?" Jody stepped forward, and he didn't miss the way Dean stiffened. "We need to talk paperwork."

He stood, moving closer to her, and incidentally, Dean. “Should we stay here or do we need to step out?"

"Out, preferably."

He nodded softly, and moved to follow, but before he could take more than a step in her direction, he felt a hand latch onto his arm.

He flinched at the bruising grip, but turned to see Dean watching them, silent, but with wide, terrified eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

"Can we stay here?" He met her gaze for a few seconds before looking back at Dean, feeling his heart twist at the fear there.

Jody sighed. "Alright."

If her voice was anything to go on at the moment, she seemed more relieved he was responding than put out.

Castiel retook his seat, moving it closer with one foot, then sinking down, and covering Dean's hand with his own. "What's going to happen now?"

"He needs to stay here for the moment, but we'll need to arrange a living situation within three weeks."

"He can stay with me." There wasn't even a question about that.

"You live two hours away, Mr Novak. Is there not another family member more suited to his care?"

"I can move. I work from home, I can be moved within three weeks. I’m the only one that has, for one, the funds, the extra space, and the time. His brother and foster father aren’t going to be able to. I’m going to call them, if that’s all right? But I’m the best option. We already agreed I could be the point of contact."

"Are you sure about this?"

He nodded firmly, giving Dean's hand a gentle squeeze. "Very sure. I've been looking for Dean for years. No way am I letting him go again."

"Alright. I'll get everything set up, provided they’re in agreement, so that when he's released, he can be in your care."

"Thank you."

She left, and they were truly alone for the first time in five years.

Castiel gripped Dean's hand tightly, starting to lift it, but Dean flinched, grip tightening, and he let it rest back on his arm. "I'm not letting go," he said calmly, reassuringly. "Just swapping places to make it easier."

This time, when he moved Dean's hand off, he had no reaction, save for his breath quickening, before Castiel was lacing their fingers together, and holding tightly. 

“I don’t know if you’re actually… coherent, or able to even hear me, but I think the talking is keeping me sane, so I’ll keep doing so.”

He waited for a moment before smiling softly. "Okay. Remember that time we went skinny dipping? We went in old Rufus' pond, and he nearly caught us? Then we got chased by his bull-"

He had no idea how much time had passed when Jody reentered, but his voice had gotten hoarse.

The woman bustled over to him, handing him a stick of papers half an inch thick. "You'll have to fill all this out, show evidence of income, and get a place here before we can do more."

Castiel nodded stiffly. "Can I get a cup of coffee? My throat's kinda dry from all this talking. It isn’t painful, just, y’know, dry."

They sat in silence for the next half hour, Castiel running through the papers, filling out blank spaces, looking up every few minutes to find Dean still watching him, then repeating the process.

At the hour mark, Jody reappeared with a steaming cup of coffee, and a nurse.

The nurse, whose name tag read ‘Meg’, smiled widely at the two. “Hello boys. Let me just check Dean’s IV, and I’ll get out of your hair.”

The instant she reached for his arm, Dean recoiled, curling in on himself as he tried to get away.

Meg moved back, and Castiel took her place, sitting on the edge of the bed. “It’s okay, Dean. You’re safe. No one’s gonna hurt you anymore. I promise.”

Wary, ready to pull back if needed, he reached for Dean’s hand again.

He breathed a sigh of relief when his friend didn’t move, except to curl his fingers around his hand.

“Is there something I can do?” Castiel looked up at Meg. “The IV check. Is it-?”

She shrugged. “It’s not really something I have to do, someone just has to make sure it isn’t tangled or anything. Can you maybe lift his arm where I can see?”

Castiel nodded slowly. He turned back to Dean, noting the downcast stare, and tapping the back of his hand gently. “Dean? I’m gonna touch your arm, okay?”

No response.

Dean’s eyes stayed trained on the floor.

He glanced worriedly at Meg and Jody, steeling himself and cautiously moving his other hand to rest on Dean’s wrist.

When there was no reaction to that either, he took a deep breath, and lifted gently.

Dean stayed still while he turned it carefully, letting Meg see the end of the tubes.

“Looks like it’s all good for now,” Meg said quietly. “I’ll let you guys have some space.”

Jody waited til the nurse was gone before leaning on the back of the chair. “Castiel, I’m going to have to be honest with you. I don’t know if him staying with you is the best idea.”

He stared at her in disbelief. “Why? He’s not responding to anyone else, and he-” he gestured at Dean, “-obviously feels safer with me here.”

“I know that. But we don’t know what happened to him. We have no idea if he’ll snap, and hurt someone, or if he’ll… point is, he may not be safe.”

“Then we can deal with it.”

She sighed heavily, turning to the door. “You can call the other family members. His brother, you said?”

“Yes. And- Jody?”

Jody glanced back.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

And she was gone.

Castiel pulled out his phone, pressing the second speed dial, and holding it to his ear.

On the fifth ring, the phone was answered by a breathless voice. “Y’ello Cas. What’s up?”

“Hey Jess. Is Sam there?”

“Uh. Yeah? He’s getting dressed, I think.”

“I need to talk to him.”

“Okay… I’m taking the phone in, but dude, you don’t sound good. Are you okay?”

“I’m- I’m very very good. But I need to talk to him.”

“Okay. Hang on.”

He waited on the edge of his seat, nails digging into his palm.

“Cas? Hey, everything okay?”

“Hello Sam.”

If he had been paying attention, he would’ve seen the way Dean’s eyes flicked up to his face.

“Yes, I’m fine, everything’s fine. Everything’s great, actually. Are you sitting down?”

“Uh… no. Should I be? What’s going on?”

“They found Dean.”

The silence from the other end dragged on for several seconds, until Sam’s voice returned, sounding hoarse. “Cas, I’m putting you on speakerphone. What did you say?”

“Dean’s okay. They called me a few hours ago, told me to come down to the Sioux Falls station. I was kinda panicking, and forgot to call you, and then I put it off so I could see what condition he was in before I actually did.”

“So he’s- he’s okay? Where is he now?”

“He’s sitting across from me at the moment. And no, he’s not really okay. He’s not talking to anyone, or responding to anyone but me. Almost catatonic. Won’t meet anyone’s eyes, won’t or can’t say anything, not moving. It’s bad. But not as bad as it could be.”

“So I can’t- I can’t talk to him?”

“I can put you on speaker, but he most likely won’t respond.”

“Could you maybe… video me? So I can see him?”

“I don’t know. I need to call Bobby. And I don’t know how Dean would react to- well, anything.”

“Okay. I get that. But can I come up? I can get a flight tomorrow, and-”

“Sam. Calm down. Of course you can. We’ll have to figure out where you’ll stay, of course. We’re still in Sioux Falls, and I’m trying to get an apartment here. Dean will be staying in the hospital for the immediate future. I wanted to talk to you and Bobby about it, actually. How do you feel about Dean staying with me for the foreseeable future? You and Bobby both have lives of your own, and jobs, you have school, and so on. I know both of you would drop it all in a heartbeat, but I don't want you to put your lives on hold. I was thinking since I work from home, and have the funds from the book I wrote, and a lot of free time, I might be the best choice.”

“I hate to say it, but you’re right. What can I do? Can I bring anything? What about Jess?”

“Both of you are welcome, Sam. I’ll get a second hotel room. You can bring yourself, alright? That’s enough. I need to call Bobby, but I’ll keep you updated, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for calling me, Cas. Thank you.”

“Of course. Get some sleep.”

“See you tomorrow night, hopefully.”

“Yeah. Take care.”

Castiel closed the phone with a soft click, and buried his face in his hands. “Okay. One down, one to go.”

When he looked up, it seemed as though Dean’s mind had wandered again, and he didn’t respond when he slipped his hand out of his friend’s grip, and opened the door to glance around for Jody, who was standing down the hall, conversing with one of the nurses.

“Jody?”

She glanced up with a curious smile on her face. “Yeah?”

“Can you stay in there for a few minutes?” He fidgeted awkwardly, fingers twisting into his shirt hem. “I- I need a few minutes. I dunno, just to… take everything in?”

“Yeah, no problem.”

She stepped inside, and he made his way to the bathroom, turning the faucet on full blast, and ducking to splash cold water over his face.

He stayed bent over the sink, letting the water drip from his face, and suddenly it wasn’t all sink water, and he was crying.

The bathroom stayed empty, so he had several minutes to compose himself before he needed to return.

Not even five minutes later, he arrived back at the door to hear commotion coming from within.

He pushed the door open to find people bustling around the room, two security guards holding Dean to the bed, and Meg by the IV stand, injecting something new.

“What’s happening?” He demanded. “Why are you-”

Jody grabbed his arm, tugging him over to the side of the bed, and into Dean’s line of sight.

The effect was instantaneous, with Dean’s eyes locking onto him, and his struggling stopped.

"He panicked," she said flatly. "Lost sight of you and freaked out."

Castiel rested his hand on Dean's fingers, thumb sweeping back and forth. "I can stay now. Okay? I'll stay, and soon Sam will be here."

"Be careful, alright?" Jody waved the guards back with a tight smile. "This is what I was talking about, Castiel. You need to consider that."

"I know." He closed his eyes tiredly. 

"Castiel?" Meg rested her hand on his shoulder. "I just gave Dean something to knock him out, and you should get some rest too. I can send in a cot for you to sleep on."

"You're an amazing person."

"Trust me, I know."

The two women left, and Castiel noted that the security men had taken up positions outside the door.

Dean was trembling.

His hands shook by his sides, and his breathing was quick and shallow.

"Dean?" Castiel leaned in, one hand squeezing his friend's hand, one resting at the side of his face. "It's okay. It's okay, I'm not leaving you again. I'm staying right here, okay?"

The fear in Dean's eyes subsided slightly, and Castiel smiled as softly as he could. "It's gonna be okay now, Dean. You're safe."

Then, he heard a sound, vaguely familiar, but something he hadn't heard in so long.

Long tap.

He looked down, hardly understanding what he was seeing.

Short tap.

Dean's finger was moving, tapping, and-

Long again. 

It was a familiar pattern, one they'd practiced for months.

Short tap.

Pause.

Short tap.

Longer tap.

Three taps, spaced evenly apart.

Their way of saying his name. Cas.

"Yeah, it- it's me."He ran his hand over his mouth, smile bright with happiness. "I hear you."

His hand raised, almost of its own accord, to brush back the longer strands of hair from Dean's forehead. "I missed you so much."

He waited for what felt like hours for Dean to fall asleep.

Most likely it was only a few minutes, but he needed to make another call, and he wasn't looking forward to it.

He'd been through an emotional wringer, and this would just make it worse.

Finally Dean fell asleep, and Castiel pulled up a number, and let it ring.

The call with Bobby went much the same as with Sam, although the older man stayed composed. Mostly.

He ended the call feeling like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

He hadn't thought to bring anything other than his cell phone and the clothes off his back, so he would have to sleep in jeans and a tshirt.

Cas fired off a quick text, asking Sam to stop at his apartment on the way tomorrow, and pack some essentials for him.

The text was answered with an enthusiastic 'sure!', and he dropped the phone onto the mattress beside him.

After what felt like hours of staring at the ceiling, the humming sound of the machines, and the steady drip of the IV finally lured him to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Cas was woken by quiet humming, and the brightness of sunlight showing red through his eyelids.

He cracked one lid, instantly regretting it as he was treated to the full glare.

Flopping an arm across his eyes, he barely registered the slight footsteps until a hand prodded his ribs harshly. “Wake up lover boy.”

He rolled over, holding his side while glaring at Meg tiredly. “You’re evil.”

She held up a tray. “I brought you food though.”

“Oh." Cas blinked tiredly. "You’re on thin ice.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Meg raised her eyebrow, jerking her head back towards the other bed, where Dean was leaned against the inclined bed, hands folded in his lap. “You’re up.”

Castiel sat up slowly, dropping his feet to rest on the tile floor. “Up for what?”

“Feeding your friend.” She lifted a shoulder. “He clearly doesn’t like me, so you can see if he’ll eat for you.”

“Oh.” He rubbed his eyes groggily, squinting at the nurse. “Hang on. Let me-” he yawned hugely, covering his mouth. “Let me have a minute to wake up.”

Five minutes later, after a quick visit to the adjoining bathroom, he took the tray carefully. “Okay, so I just…”

“Try and feed him the pudding, the oatmeal and juice is for you.” Meg handed him two spoons, and backed over to the cot. “I have to supervise, of course.”

“Yeah.” He approached Dean slowly, sitting on the edge of the bed with a faint smile. “Hey. I’ve got some pudding for you, if you’re hungry.”

Dean slowly met his eyes, face empty of emotion.

“I know you always said you wouldn’t eat pudding until you were eighty in a care home, but this is extenuating circumstances.” He peeled the top off the cup, stirring the pudding with the spoon.

He started with a small bite, just at the tip of the spoon, holding it close to Dean’s mouth. “I’m pretty sure you learned this lesson twenty something years ago, Dean. I’m also fairly certain I don’t need to teach you how to open your mouth again.”

A jolt of shock ran through him as Dean’s eyes met his again, but this time actually seeing. And Dean’s mouth opened, just the slightest amount, enough to fit in the spoon.

Cas smiled softly at him. “There we go.”

“Wow, Clarence,” Meg said quietly. “You’re a regular angel, aren’t you?”

He glanced over, raising an eyebrow. “Not in any sense of the word.”

“Ms Mills said she’d be back at nine.”

“Yeah.”

Jody came in pink nosed and smiling. “Ms Masters said you got him to eat?”

Cas lifted one shoulder, glancing up from where he was eating his own breakfast. “Yeah. He ate most of the pudding.”

“That’s awesome. He does need to eat more than that, but they’re giving him supplements through the IV for now.”

He shoved the last bite into his mouth, stacking everything neatly on the tray. "Yeah, I figured. Where do I-?"

Jody held out her hands. "I'm headed toward the cafeteria myself, I can take it along."

"Thank you."

Sam wasn't scheduled to get in until later that afternoon, so he had to find other ways to occupy himself.

A flash of realization had him grinning. 

He pulled up an older movie that they had both loved, all those years ago, and pulled the chair closer to where Dean lay, eyes wide and observant.

“You always used to love this one,” he murmured. “Let’s see if this jogs your memory.”

They watched movies for most of the day, interspersed between nurse visits, and Jody stopping in.

He got the call from Sam at seven that evening, giving them a heads up that him and Jess were on their way from the airport.

At half past, Jody stepped back in. “You’ve got visitors,” she said quietly. “Boy said he’s Dean’s brother, Sam, and he’s got someone named Jess with him.”

“They’re good to come in,” he said quickly. “They just got in from California.”

“Alright.” She turned to leave, before glancing back. “Don’t overwhelm him. Have his brother come in alone, for now.”

“Okay. Can you-?”

“Sure.”

The instant Sam stepped into the room, it looked like the younger man had been hit point-blank in the face.

Cas stood carefully, stepping forward to take his elbow. “Be careful. Remember what I told you. No sudden movements.”

He could see Sam struggling to stay calm, and Cas squeezed his arm. “It’s okay. Come on.”

Sam allowed himself to be led over to where chairs had been placed beside the bed.

Dean stared blankly at the opposite wall, seemingly oblivious to the stare of his younger brother.

“Dean?” Sam exhaled shakily, leaning forward on the hard seat. “Hey, can you hear me? It’s Sam. Sammy.”

His expression looked lost, and he faltered when there was no response.

“How is Jessica?” Cas pulled a chair closer to the bed, but left his focus on the younger man.

“What?” Sam shook his head faintly, shoulders dropping. “Cas, what-?”

“How is she settling into her new position?”

Still bewildered, Sam shrugged slightly. “Great, she’s- everyone loves her. Except this one nurse, Ruby.”

He kept glancing back and forth between his silent brother and best friend, but it seemed like he was finally understanding.

“Ruby keeps asking me out. Won’t get the hint, or even me full on telling her that no way am I leaving Jess for her.” Sam took a deep breath, nerves showing plainly on his face. “Cas, I don’t-”

A rustle of movement from the bed drew their attention to where Dean was watching them silently.

His hand had inched closer, fingers resting splayed out on the mattress just inches from Cas’ hand, tapping restlessly.

Cas reached for his hand, flipping his own over, and waiting.

“What are you doing?” Sam leaned forward, brows furrowed. “What’s going on?”

“Shh.” Cas gave him a considering look. “Do you know Morse code?”

“Yeah…?”

“Give me your hand.”

Sam held it out warily, letting Cas take it, and guide it down to rest on top of the bed.

Then he gently moved Dean’s hand over, slipping his hand out of the way, and resting it on top of Sam’s.

“Wait for just a minute,” he said softly.

Several seconds passed with nothing but aimless tapping, and then a pattern emerged that he recognized.

Three quick taps. Pause. Tap. Long tap. Pause. Two long taps.

“Is he-?” Sam turned wide eyes on Cas, who smiled wetly. 

“What’s he saying?”

“Just- my name. Sam.” He turned back to Dean, his own smile growing. “Yeah, it’s me. I’m right here, Dean.”

Three quick taps. Pause. Tap. Long tap. Pause. Two long taps.

Sam rested his hand on top of Dean’s, tapping gently.

“Right… here,” he said out loud.

Dean’s wandering gaze fell to Sam’s face, his mouth opened slightly, forming an indistinct word.

“Dean?”

His gaze was focused, and clear, actually present for the first time.

“Dean, can you hear me?” Cas’ heart leapt when his best friend’s gaze flitted to him, and he gave the slightest of nods. “Good, good, that’s- good.”

“Hey...” Sam leaned forward, carefully squeezing his brother’s hand. “It’s- it’s really good to see you.”

Turning his gaze back to Sam, Dean’s eyes narrowed slightly, and his fingers resumed tapping.

Sam burst out laughing.

Dean flinched at the sudden noise, but the corners of his mouth twitched.

“Jerk,” Sam said in return.

Dean’s smile widened slightly, and Cas watched with an aching warmth filling his chest.

“Dean?”

His best friend tipped his head to the side.

“After you’re released from here, we were thinking that you could stay with me.” Cas shrugged weakly, fingers restlessly playing with the hem of his shirt. “Are you okay with that?”

Something caught Dean’s attention off to the side, and his eyes flitted away, growing unfocused again.

“Dean?” Sam squeezed his hand tightly. “Dean, hey, look at me.”

The effort was futile, and Dean’s mind seemed to have wandered away again.

Cas felt every trace of energy that had appeared drain away, leaving him empty, and exhausted.

“It’s okay, Cas.” Sam pressed their shoulders together, eyes wet. “This is- this is good. Progress. He’ll be okay.”

“Yeah.” Cas took a deep breath, wiping his eyes. “Yeah, I just need to- can you stay with him for a minute… I need to get a drink.”

“Yeah.”

He rose without another word, stepping gingerly past Sam’s outstretched legs to hurry out the door of the small room.

Eyes quickly blurring, he paid no attention to where he was going, eventually ending up in a dim hallway full of unused machinery.

Hand covering his mouth, he let out several quick breaths, trying to still the sob that wanted to rise.

His lungs felt like they were trying to rip out of his chest, and a lump was growing in his throat.

“Stop it,” he whispered shakily. “Stop it, stop it, stop it. Don’t do this. Not now. He needs you.”

Cas backed up slowly until he felt the wall beneath his searching hand, and he slid to a sitting position.

“One… two… three…” his breath caught in his throat, and he dug his fingernails into the palm of his hands. “Four.”

Late afternoon sun cast shadows through the hall, motes of dust filtering through the air.

“Five.”


	4. Chapter 4

By the time he slipped back into the hospital room, every trace of his breakdown was wiped from his face, and his calm exterior was back.

Sam was sitting cross legged in the chair, rambling about something that had happened in one of his classes.

“And then Professor Macleod told us we were about to start on chapter eighteen, when we hadn’t even done the quiz. Of course, that was because the substitute was incompetent.” He laughed softly. “She was mad as hell.”

He looked up as Cas slipped back in, worry clear in his eyes. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” Cas smiled briefly, ignoring the concern from his friend. “Just getting some air.”

“Right.” Sam nodded tightly. “I texted Jess. She’s with our stuff. We had someone drive us from the airport, so…”

“Yeah.” Rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand, Cas gave a soft breath. “You can take my car to the motel. Just get a room close to mine.”

“I was actually thinking…” Sam glanced between his brother and best friend. “You and Jess go. You look like a good wind would topple you. A shower and a good night’s rest would do wonders.”

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah.” Sam shook his head gently. “Cas, you’re beat, man. Just go. You can come back in the morning, but just get some rest, a shower, and a change of clothes. Doctors orders.”

“You’re a lawyer.”

“I’m sure I can find a doctor somewhere in this hospital to agree with me.” A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I’ll ask Jess.”

“Don’t you dare.” Cas rolled his eyes. “I love her, but she would have me live with you two if she could.”

“She’s just _worried_ ,” he said defensively. “It’s not like you’re the pinnacle of good health and mental well being.”

Cas stared blankly at his friend for several seconds. “Ouch.”

“It’s the truth,” Sam folded his arms, forgetting to move slowly, and they both caught Dean’s flinch out of the corner of their eyes.

The good mood drained away, replaced with a feeling of being vaguely off kilter.

“I’ll go,” Cas said softly. “But you have to call me if anything happens. I mean _anything_.”

“Believe me, you’ll be the first to know.”

He gathered up the small collection of his belongings that had accumulated over the past two days, tossing out the used coffee cup, and pulling on his jacket.

Giving a final glance back at the silent figure on the bed, he directed a small smile at Sam.

“Good luck. And-”

“Call you if anything happens,” Sam reiterated. “I _know_.”

His friend gave a reassuring smile. “We’ll be fine, Cas.”

“I know. Sorry. Where is Jess?”

“Just down at the waiting room. The main one.”

“Alright. I’ll… see you later.”

He stepped out after Sam nodded, taking in the bright corridor with squinted eyes.

Dialling a number, he kept walking as he waited for the sheriff to pick up.

“ _Hello?_ ”

“Ms Mills?” He didn’t wait for her to answer before soldiering on. “This is Castiel. I wanted to let you know that I’m heading back to the motel for the night, and Sam is staying with Dean.”

A pause for a brief moment. “ _Alright. Thanks for letting me know._ ”

“Yeah. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

“ _Gotcha. Actually, there was something I was meaning to talk to you about_.”

Castiel stepped onto the elevator, leaning back against the wall, and dropping his head back with a quiet thud. “Yeah?”

“ _I’ve talked to some colleagues in Lawrence, and I’m pretty sure it’ll be fine to transfer your boy and his business over there. So if you’ve got the room in your apartment there, you could just bring Dean on home, provided you get the care he needs.”_

“I will.” He let out a relieved breath. “Absolutely. This is… This is great. Thank you.”

“ _M-hm. Have you finished the paperwork_?”

“Not yet.” Castiel sighed deeply. “I’m about halfway through it. I was planning on doing it tonight.”

_“I’ll need it as soon as you can get it done_.”

“Yeah.” The elevator shuddered to a stop, and he ducked to the side to avoid a nurse stepping on. “I hear you.”

“ _Alright. Well, you keep taking care of that boy, and you take care of yourself, hear? We don’t need another patient to take care of_.”

He smiled wanly. “Yeah. Thanks Ms Mills.”

“ _Call me Jody._ ”

“Jody, then.”

“ _See you kid_.”

He pressed end call, and stepped through the waiting room door.

Glancing over the waiting room, he immediately found Jess.

The blonde was curled in one of the two person chairs, phone in hand, idly tapping at the screen.

As he watched, she yawned hugely, glancing at the time.

Her gaze fell on him, and she scrambled to sit up, knocking over the suitcase by her feet.

It caused a domino effect, knocking over the other suitcase and bag, and by the time he made it over, people were giving them both strange looks.

“Cas!” Jess kept one hand on the stray luggage, using the other to pull him in for a tight hug. “It’s so good to see you!”

“Hey.” He grinned wryly. “Fancy meeting you here.”

She smacked his shoulder, ducking down to grab the duffle bag and handle of one of the suitcases. “Sam said we’re going to a motel?”

Castiel took hold of the other suitcase. “I’ve got a room at one down the street a ways. I figured you two would want to be close, so I offered to let you both take my car. Sam insisted I take you, and we both get some rest while he stays with Dean. I can’t begrudge him time with his brother, even though I wish I was up there.”

They walked in silence to where his car was parked, and he helped her load her belongings into the trunk.

No sooner had Jess settled into the front eat then she turned to study him with a critical eye. "How are you doing?"

"I'm _fine_."

He could feel the skeptical look aimed his way.

"Cas, Sam said you disappeared on them, coming back looking like something the cat dragged in. Said he thought you might've had a panic attack."

"Just a small one. I handled it." He smoothly accelerated out of the parking lot.

Jess leaned closer, resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm not gonna push. I'm not Sam, I don't have any right to do that. But I am here if you want to talk."

He nodded slightly. "I know."

Jess curled her hand around his arm. “I hadn’t met Dean, but he was your best friend, wasn’t he?”

“He is my best friend.” Castiel blinked quickly. “That hasn’t changed.”

“I didn’t mean that,” she said softly. “Just… You always pretend to be okay, and you're always there for Sam, and I think we forget that you lost him too.”

Eyes wet, he blinked quickly. “I loved him.”

“We know,” she said, equally as softly. “It’s in the way you talk about him. You still do, don't you?”

Each answer, one truthful, one a lie, was equally as difficult.

The lump in his throat demanded silence, the beating of his heart demanded that he spoke.

“I always have.”

Jess didn’t say anything else, perhaps sensing that he couldn’t talk anymore on the subject.

Two minutes into the drive, he pulled into a drive-thru diner, giving a shrug when Jess gave him a raised eyebrow.

“Get me a burger with fries,” she whispered theatrically.

He relayed the order through the window along with his own, shivering at the chilly wind.

After handing the bag over to Jess, he pulled smoothly out of the parking lot.

“It’s not one of the bad motels, right?” Jess wrinkled her nose. “Cause Sam’s told me horror stories about some of the ones they stayed in when they were kids, and let me tell you, I now have a fear of shower drains that originates from that.”

“Dean once told me that there was something called Leviathan in the water.” He rotated the wheel in one sharp movement, pulling into a free parking space. “I don’t think I drank any liquid for a week. Bobby made him apologize to me after I nearly passed out from running outside in the heat without drinking.”

He pushed the door open, gesturing at the motel room door. “I’m room twenty-eight. Management’s right over there, you can go to you guys’ room after or come to mine if you don’t want to be alone.”

Jess nodded slowly. “I’ll definitely keep it as an option.”

“If you do, passcode’s 4826.” He divided their food, putting hers back into the bag to hand over.

She gave him a long look, before leaning over the console to pull him into a tight hug. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“It’s a long way from being okay,” he said bitterly. “He can’t even talk.”

“Cas.” Jess’ voice was sharp. “He’s here. Everything else we can work on.”

To his embarrassment, he felt his eyes beginning to heat up again. 

His friend/surrogate little sister gave a soft sigh. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“We were kids.” He stared straight ahead out the windshield. “We were just kids, and now we’re so different, I’ve changed in so many ways, and there’s no telling how much he’s-”

Taking a deep breath, he pressed a fist to his mouth. “He’s hurting, and I can’t _fix_ it.”

“Cas.” Jess squeezed his arm gently. “It’s Dean. The same guy that took care of Sam, always protected him… the same one who put that spider in his bed, and told him it was you.” They both smiled wetly. “He’s still _your_ best friend, the one that stayed up all night with you when you had the flu, and told you stories, and made you laugh so hard you threw up again.”

Tipping his head back against the seat, he gave her a side-eyed glance. “I told Sam and Bobby that I could do this, but I don’t know how I can.”

“Don’t think of it as losing him again,” Jess said firmly. “I may not know you as well as Sam does, or Dean, but I know that you’re not the kind to give up. You can pull him out of whatever hell he’s living in. Be his angel.”

“I’m no angel.”

Jess laughed softly. “Your name is from the angel of Thursday, babe. Forgive me if I take that with a grain of salt.”

Cas opened the door, rising to his feet in one fluid motion. “I need a shower.”

Opening the other door, Jess pulled out her bags. “Grab Sam’s case, okay? I’ll check in, and be right back.”

He waited patiently as she disappeared into the main building, hands jammed into the pockets of his trenchcoat.

Fighting the urge to check his phone again, he glanced around the parking lot.

His gaze stalled on a section of trees, out by the farthest edge of the parking lot.

If he squinted, he could almost make out what looked like someone standing there, not moving.

Dismissing it as an overactive imagination, and the stress of the past several days, he decided that checking in with Sam wasn’t the worst thing he could do.

Just as he lowered the phone into his pocket after shooting off a text, Jess came back around the corner of the building, scarf tugged up around her face. “This motel better be worth what we’re paying,” she said jokingly.

“It’s not a high end establishment,” he forced lightness into his voice. “But it’s clean.”

“Eh. Better than some of the things I’ve been imagining.” Jess sniffed wetly. “It’s so cold.”

“Come on. I’ll help you get settled, then I’ll be in my room.”

He glanced back at the copse of trees, frowning slightly when he saw that whatever the dark shadow had been, it was gone.

“What’re you looking at?”

He shook his head quickly, still looking at the spot. “Nothing, just- thought I saw something.”

“I’m cold,” Jess said firmly. “You can look at nothing somewhere else.”

Hers and Sam’s set of rooms looked almost exactly the same as his, in layout.

The only differences were that there was one bed, not twins, and the wallpaper was a horrendous shade of orange instead of the pleasant yellow of his own.

“Put it on the bed,” Jess pointed with her chin. “I’ll figure out what to do with it in a few minutes.”

He dropped the suitcase onto the bed with a soft grunt of exertion.

“I’ll be over in a bit,” Jess said quietly. “We can watch a movie, or just be quiet. But I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t think you do either.”

Giving a one shouldered shrug, Cas forced a smile.

There didn’t seem to be anything left to say.

Walking back into the cold, he shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his coat.

Every breath came out as a thin fog in the frigid air, and his skin crawled with the feeling of being watched.

When he looked around, there was no one in sight.

He hurried into the motel room, breathing a sigh of relief when the feeling disappeared, hurriedly taking off his coat and shoes.

Starting up the shower, he undressed with almost clinical movements, mind far away.

As soon as he stepped into the hot water, his skin pebbled in goosebumps, and he measured his breaths.

It wasn’t the time to break down.

He washed robotically, barely noticing when the water cooled, and the pipes started clanging.

He dried off with hasty swipes of a towel, ignoring the mirror, knowing that if he looked, he'd hate the sight of himself.

A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts, and he dropped the towel onto the counter, shooting a glance at the door. "Jess? Is that you?"

Frowning lightly when there was no answer, he pulled a shirt over his head, and stepped into a pair of sweatpants.

When he opened the door, the room was empty.


End file.
